We Hate the Olympics
Because…
By David Shamah, The
Starting today, a whole bunch of fancy kids who think
they're somehow big shots because they can throw a Frisbee or jump through a
couple of hoops are going to try and impress the rest of us with their exploits
and try to prove that they are indeed the modern incarnation of an ancient
Greek athlete. I don't know about you but personally, I couldn't be more
disgusted!
I know that it's somehow politically incorrect and
vaguely unpatriotic not to go ga-ga over your home
country's Olympic hopefuls, and I certainly wish them well in their endeavors,
but I have had just about enough of this phony adulation. It's about time
someone told it like it is, and I'm just the guy to do it.
What's my beef? I'm getting a little tired of these
athletic types getting all the glory. They call the competitors who try to
qualify for the games the "Olympic Hopefuls" – and, according to
many, they harbor our highest hopes and ideals. In other words, they are among
the ideal specimens of our society, both physically
and in terms of bravery, loyalty, etc. - excelling in whatever specific sport
they are competing in, never giving up no matter what the odds, yadda yadda. They, in a sense,
are an extension of us, and what we all wish we could be or feel we should be.
Well, that's all well and good for people who jog or
weight lift in their spare time. But what do they have for us, the people who
keep the potato chip makers in business? As everyone knows by now, we, the
fattish and the geeky are the ones who keep society running. Who do you think
invented the Walkmans and portable MP3 players that adorn the ears of those
through whose lips a carbohydrate shall never pass, as they glide effortlessly
down the road or climb a virtual hill on their stepper machine? You got it; a carb-swilling thirty something fellow who, since he was a
kid, has been shuttled towards the husky department whenever walking into a
fine clothing emporium.
Track and field, wrestling, discus throwing – these
are not the things people like us aspire to. Oh, I'm behind them all the way as
they march along on their walk to glory – but as I am a bit out of shape, I
really can't keep up with their pace. Instead, if I am so inclined, I will have
to follow their exploits on-line, at sites like http://www.athens2004.com/en/,
which promises daily results, tabulation of athlete's ranking and progress
towards medals, and news of the games. There will also be coverage at http://www.nbcolympics.com/index.html, as well as at http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/olympics_2004/default.stm,
the Olympic Web sites of NBC and BBC, both of which will broadcast at least
parts of the games on their sites. There are even sites dedicated to
http://athens2004.walla.co.il
(in Hebrew), and http://wn.com/s/israelsport/index.html, an English-language page
with sports news from
I bring you the above information for your
edification - I doubt I'll be surfing to any of those sites myself. I suffered
enough with Olympic athlete wannabe-ism four years ago, thank you. Instead, this
time, I've lined up my own on-line Olympics just for people like us, one that I
guarantee you will be able to enjoy without having to feel like "if only I
had exercised more when I was a kid I could have been him" when you watch
Olympians engage in fantastic feats of physical fitness.
One big Olympic event, of course, is boxing, and many
Olympic boxers, like Muhammad Ali, later became big name pro boxers. One
popular boxer training trick is to punch raw sides of beef, a la Rocky – but if
you prefer your steak a little more well-done, check out The Web Boxing League
(http://www.vivi.com/), which lets you take a raw boxing talent and train him
till he's ready to fight for the virtual heavyweight title! Not that there's
anything as messy as blood or sweat in this game – it’s more of a strategy
session, where you plan your boxer's
moves based on his abilities by putting together a fight plan, which you then
throw into a match with other players, in which you can either "knock
out" your opponent. If you go the distance, a panel of judges will decide
the winner. A very detailed series of help pages will get you up to speed very
quickly, and you'll be rockin' and sockin' 'em in no time.
Though it doesn't get as much notoriety as figure
skating or swimming, soccer (or football, as they will be calling it in
Another fun soccer game has you playing not against
European championship teams, but against dinosaurs! In Football-o-saurus, you compete against teams in the Jurrasic League, generated by the computer in the free
version (you can play against others on-line in the pay version). You use your
mouse to pass the ball between dinosaurs on your team, but the opposing squad
is aggressive, and they may manage to steal the ball and score a goal with a
long pass while you're downfield! They may be dinosaurs, but these guys know
how to play soccer, and you'll play a fun, exciting match every time (free
download from http://www.windowsgames.co.uk/football.html; for all Windows
systems)
And of course, there's the game that always turns out
to be one of the biggest deals every Olympics - ice hockey. This is a game of
stamina, strength, and lots of pushing and stuff – the kind of thing that's of
fun to watch but you wouldn't even conceive of playing. Unless it's at http://hokej.mujklub.cz/hokej.php,
where you sing up to play Hockey Manager, in which you manage and coach an
on-line hockey game in real-time against players from around the world. You go
on-line at the same time as another player in your league, and then try to move
up the ranks by defeating teams you take (it takes a couple of days to enter
the game; the league has to assign you ranking, opponent, etc.). Once you're
set up, the league will notify you by e-mail of your schedule, and then it’s a
couple of exciting hours of checking the other guys into the boards!
But all these activities, although kosher for the
likes of us virtual Olympians, still miss the point; we’re just aping the
"real" athletes, and although we'll probably do a lot better at
Football-o-saurus than any of these medal winners,
these contests are not really "our" kind of game.
So forget the armchair athletics. Here’s a contest I
plan to enter next time I get to
Send questions/comments to ds@newzgeek.com